Children and Grief

Out of everything I read this week, the article on children and grief hit home the most. The article focused on the importance of dealing with death when relaying it to children and how they can benefit from the truth vs the half truth, or a lie when it comes to death. I lost my father the week before I turned 10. I remember coming home from school and there were a lot of people there. My step mom was crying and they told us to come sit down. She told us our dad had been in a horrible truck accident and had died. I remember instantly feeling numbness, panic, fear then becoming withdrawn. After that day I don't remember a lot being said about it and even during the funeral everyone being hush hush around us kids to protect us. What I needed was someone to talk to about it and to have my feelings acknowledged and my questions answered. i had nightmares for years and had reoccurring dreams my dad was still alive to then awaken and him still being gone. I totally agree with the importance of being open and honest with children when it comes to death. What I would like to see is more free support groups for children who have lost someone close to them especially someone so significant as a parent.

Dementia

Out of everything I read this week, The video and section on Dementia interested me the most. I remember my first experience with this disease. I lived in Bellingham and was about 13 years old. I was always outside doing gardening, mowing the lawn etc. there was a sweet older lady who lived across the way who also spent a lot of time outdoors. I went over one day to talk to her because she had such a beautiful yard full of flowers. When i approached she looked startled and then said hi and called me by another name. I said no I am Holly I live across the way. After a bit she and I talked and worked in her flower bed together. I left then several days later went back and she had no clue of who I was looked scared again. I did the whole re introduction and sat and talked to her again. At that age I was like is this lady "crazy"?. I had no idea what dementia was and how it effected people. When i left that day I went home and told my mom what had happened and she explained it to me. I continued to go visit her and knew it would always be a day I would have to re introduce myself. Finally we moved away and I never saw her. Looking back and knowing what I know now, I am grateful I have never been close to anyone who has went through the stage's of this disease. Watching the video I was so saddened for those people. What A disease to have to live through with a loved one. I have no clue of what is out there as far as support groups. However If I had the funds to do so I would look into what else could be done to be a support to these people and their families.

Supermoms

I am writing my blog about the article Supermoms and how depression is less when they know their limitations. I have been on both sides of what was mentioned in this article. I have always wanted to be there for my daughter through everything. This was due to the fact that my mom was there for NOTHING!. While I was married I was able to be there for everything and was a stay at home mom. It wasn't until my divorce that I had to somehow come to a balance. I started nursing school which was full time and took time away from my daughter I had always had. I was already depressed being I had just gotten out of a 13 year marriage with no degree and little job experience and losing time with her was hard. I still tried to do it all because i knew the divorce had effected her greatly also. Long story short after I finished school and got my first nursing job I had a talk with my daughter and told her i would love to attend everything but it was impossible and I had to provide for her. She understood and told me it was OK. I know the stress of trying to do everything and it will overwhelm you. Like the article states parents who know their limitations are happier. Today I have a balance between school, work and being a mom. I'll never be perfect but a healthy balance makes a healthy mom in which return makes for a happy kiddo.

Abuse

I really could relate to this chapter a lot however what was the most was the section on physical and emotional abuse. I was in a abusive relationship for over 13 years. It started with physical abuse then lead to emotional abuse. My ex was a drunk and would blackout and go into rages, he finally sobered up and it became more of an emotional abuse. Being in the midst of it was exhausting like Patricia Evans stated in her video. I was surprised when she said a lot of men read her books and want to change.I thought most abusers never changed. I know the only thing that got me out was an affair and it changed my life forever in a positive way. What I would like to see is more resources for abused people to get support and help.

Killing us Softly

After watching the short clip on Killing us Softly it took me back to a young teen and made me reflect all the way through my life and how advertising has played a role in my life and effected my self esteem. When I was a young teen I would buy all the magazines and rip out the advertisements and pin them to my wall. I always strived to look perfect like these girls/women. They were "perfect" so I thought. Not until later when I learned about airbrushing and photo editing. I suffered from eating disorders and was always striving to be like them. I didn't have my mom telling me this wasn't realistic and telling me I was beautiful like I was. Instead she always was encouraging me to lose weight and had me dieting with her at the age of 15. I am so glad I am more educated as an adult so I can teach my daughter that beauty comes in all sizes and shapes and that what you see half the time isn't even how these people really are in real life. It was interesting to hear that Cindy Crawford even said i wish i looked like Cindy Crawford. Even supermodels have imperfections and are not perfect. What disturbs me the most are these models that are still working with bones protruding and that are at the weight of children. I hope that more companies will take on the role like dove and show "real women". 

Parenting Styles

I loved this whole chapter. What i found interesting is the different styles of parenting and the outcome it has on children.How I was raised in a family with uninvolved parenting Vs how I raise my daughter with the Authoritative parenting.

Uninvolved parenting- provides neither warmth nor control. Indifferent uninvolved parents provide for their children's basic physical and emotional needs but little else. They try to minimize the time they spend with their children and avoid becoming emotionally involved with them.

Just writing that definition brings back hurtful childhood memories and why I take a complete different approach on parenting. I could never imagine not bonding with my daughter or avoiding it. Growing up I had no one to support me, no hugs, no I love you, no good job. It was a lonely miserable feeling. 

 

It states in the book that children that come from uninvolved parenting tend to do poorly in school and are aggressive. This was me to a T. I was very smart but my mother didn't care so I eventually dropped out of school in the 11th grade. I didn;t get into fights but had a bad mouth and was the "class clown" always popping off to teachers to somehow get attention. I finally moved out and have been on my own since I was 16 and turned my life around.

Using the authoritative parenting it states is the best and I agree. She is so open to always having disscussions. we talk about everything. She is well liked by her teachers and does well in school. I also am super involved with everything she does. 

The Migrant Child

The article on the migrant child bewildered me and also touched my heart. I could not believe all the statistics on these children and their families. Here are a few that really stuck out to me as i was reading.

*It stated that children as young as 4 work along side of parents because of their small hands and flexibility.

*300 of these children die yearly due to farming related deaths a high number due to no supervision and drowning in ditches

* these workers only make $5000 per year compared to the national average of $40,000.

*life expectancy is only 49 where as the national average is 73

*only 20% of these children ever graduate from high school and continue to live in poverty

*there are over 2.8 million children of migrant farm workers

*The high number of eligibility for subsidized programs but such a low number actually served due to funding

*the living conditions they live in, run down farmhouses, cars, and even boxes

these are just some examples. I never really knew the importance of their work or never really think as I'm eating my produce everyday. The article made me think about about this. Without all those migrant farm workers what would do? would the average amercian work in those conditions, with that pay, in that weather? No. 

I worked in the berry fields one summer to make extra money my 6th grade year. I remember how miserable it was but i had my friends and it was just for a few weeks and something we choose to do. I can't imagine a lifetime of this work. 

What I would like to see is more people reaching out to these children. I did agree that you hear and see so much discrimination against these farm workers yet we need them. These children didn't choose this life yet are kinda stuck without the support of the community to reach out.

Attachment Theory and Attachment parenting

Wow who knew there was so much to the human attachment. I really enjoyed the section in the book along with the videos. The forms of attachment from Mary Ainsworth and how many babies fall in each category was interesting and to see how I could relate with my attachments and also what kind of attachment my daughter and I have.

*Secure attachment~relationships in which infants have come to trust and depend on mothers 60-65% American babies fall in this category

*Avoidance attachment~relationships in which infants turn away from their mother when they are reunited following a brief separation 20% of American babies fall in this category

* Resistant attachment~relationships in which after a brief separation infants want to be held but are difficult to console 10-15% of American babies fall in this category

*Disorganized attachment~ when infants don't seem to understand what's happening when they are separated and later reunited with their mothers 5-10% of American babies fall in this category

It was interesting to hear the consequences of attachment of Erickson and other theorist who believe that secure or insecure attachments can lay the foundation for future social relationships. 

I was born and immediately put up for adoption. I was in a orphanage until i was adopted at 6 months old. After adoption my adopted mother left us when i was 3. I then was raised by my father who was a truck driver and gone a lot so we had nannies in and out. A few years later my father died and we were sent back to our mother who we had not seen for years and didn't really know. I only vaguely remember my early years but I wonder if I ever really had a secure attachment with all the instability. I know that my mom and I never have  became really close and to this day I find it hard to trust her or count on her. It did impact my life as I have always been weary of others and have always found it hard to trust or believe in others. However with my daughter and I it's totally different and i have raised her a lot along the lines of the Attachment parenting video and completey opposite of how I was raised. I breast feed her for the first  year and she has always slept with me. She will be 11 Monday and even though she does have her own bed she is allowed to sleep with me whenever she wants. I've had opinions about this but i really don't care because its my parenting choices no one Else's and I want my daughter to continue to know she can trust me and always count on me and have a secure attachment. When i tell her I'm going to be somewhere or do something I back that. I want her to have what i did not and am glad even though I never really was nurtured and hugging we just didn't do, that I am able to give that to her. 

What i would like to know more about which was only touched on briefly is children that were brought up in an orphanage like me for that critical first part of life where secure attachments are made.

niche picking

I loved this chapter on biological foundations. Especially the section on heredity, environment and development and how they all work together to shape who we are. One part talked about niche picking~the process of deliberately seeking environments that are compatible with one's genetic makeup. This process tends to happen during childhood but more so when one is able to control their environment later on in adolescence. For example an introvert a more reserved shy person will seek activities that involve just one's self. An extrovert however will seek activities involving contact with others. I as an extrovert who has always been a "people person" have always chosen activities and situations that have included others. Some examples from childhood are girl scouts, drama club, choir, and sports. As an adult i have done volunteer work in homeless shelters, in my daughters classroom, and ultimately chose a profession of nursing. I love being around people and i love helping and making a difference in other peoples lives. What i would be interested in seeing in this whole area of heredity, environment, and development is adoption studies. To look at behavior and psychological characteristics of adopted children and see if they are more like their adoptive parents who provided a home environment or more like their biological parents who contributed to their heredity.

Nature Vs Nurture

The section that interested me most in Chapter 1 was the Nature Vs Nurture. Nature~the degree in which genetic or hereditary influences or Nurture~experimental or environmental influences, determine the kind of person you are. Nature and nurture are both influences in who we are. I found this interesting being I was adopted. I didn't meet my biological parents until my 20's and often wondered how biologically I might be similar to them. I know genetically one can inherit family genetics that can give one a great advantage in a certain subject such as math, writing, music, sports etc.(nature) That does not mean that you will automatically develop those potentials,It just shows that you have a genetic possibility for outstanding development. However, you may not develop your potential in these areas if you are raised in a home with no encouragement. When i met my biological family i realized I came from a family where sports were not only encouraged but both my parents and siblings did well in them. I always loved sports growing up and did well but eventually gave up because i had no support or encouragement from my adoptive mom. My daughter is awesome in soccer and I encourage her and support her strongly in this. Just because she has the genetics of a sporty(nature) doesn't mean she'll continue to blossom without (nurture) One thing I would like to learn more about in this subject is studies of adopted children. Being this is the first blog it was kind of hard. Hope it made sense and they get easier.